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Transformational  Coaching

I LOVE ME: Being the Target of Others Hatred

12/13/2011

16 Comments

 
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This post has been stewing and building for a couple of months now and I can no longer contain it.  It may be controversial and I might take some flak for it, but I have to do it.  

So here goes...

10 months ago today my second son was born and he died the next day.  The details of which are many, profound and not all important for the purpose of this post. What is important is that I recently discovered a really cruel and inaccurate blog post that was written 6 weeks after Joseph's death regarding me and how I am "narcissistic, selfish and immature."  This blog is call The SOB (Skeptical OB-GYN) and is run by a women named Amy Tuteur.     

Here is how this unfolded: I had a hunch to google my name one day.  The fourth link down was one entitled: Sure my baby died, but look at the benefits to me. So I clicked on it and read on.  

My emotions started out at shock.

Then moved to anger. Then rage (like I would rip your eyeballs out if I could reach you rage).

Then sadness, deep sadness.  

Sadness for me, Joseph, my family. But even more then that I started to feel sadness for Dr. Amy.  It seems to me that someone would have to have been treated (or treated themselves) incredibly cruelly to respond to someone else the way she did me just 6 weeks after my son had died.

She scoured the internet to find snippets of posts on an online forum where I was offering to donate my breast milk after my son had died, from a friends personal photo site where we posted photos of Joseph and my family and took everything horribly out of context to somehow prove her point that home birth is a totally irresponsible and horrible thing to do.        

This post is not about my defense to her accusations however. To be blunt, I think her limited and perhaps stunted view of the situation is fairly obvious on its face. How can you say you know anything about any situation when you have only read a couple of paragraphs written online and taken them out of context?  
 
No. This is post is about my story, from my perspective. I don't ever expect anyone who comes from such a vastly different world view to understand mine, but I do think that we owe it to one another to respect each other.  

But first, I need to give a little bit of back story about what happened. This whole story is large enough to fill a book, so this is the very brief nutshell version. Joseph ultimately showed me the true meaning of unconditional Love. I feel like he gave his life to deepen mine, to give me back to me and to help me discover my drive and purpose in life. Part of which is now spreading his wonderful message of how loving and supportive the universe is and showing folks how to find hope in the most hopeless of circumstances. His brief life was an act of ultimate service and generosity.  

Before I found out I was pregnant, I had a conversation with God (Universe, Spirit) and in this conversation I stated that I was feeling pulled in two directions: one towards my passions and being of greater service to the world and the other towards mothering another child. At the time these seemed like conflicting aims since mothering for me is a very all encompassing thing for the first 2-3 years. I asked for guidance about how to proceed. Two weeks later, I found out I was pregnant (we were not trying).  

I figured that was a pretty clear answer: the path of mothering it is.  

This brought up another conversation with God for me:  Chiron our first son, has Cystic Fibrosis. It has been a long, beautiful and very hard road to walk. It will most likely continue to be for the rest of his days. I was sure that I couldn't handle a second child with CF and I didn't want another child to have to deal with what Chiron has to everyday.  I stated that I was ok with this child not coming to fruition if they weren't healthy (thinking early miscarriage, of course).

The pregnancy continued normally with no signs of any issue, so I assumed that all was as it should be.

Fast forward 9 months, Joseph is born, at home and is not breathing.  He was showing no signs of distress up to the moments of his birth. Here is what happened as far as we can tell: he was delivered gripping his umbilical cord in his hand. He pinched off his air supply during the final moments of delivery.
 
This in and of itself was highly symbolic for me and my family.  It was not an "accident" that killed him. He LITERALLY cut off his source to life with his own hand.
​
We knew enough to know that something greater was going on here. And then there is this:       
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This photo is of a gift from a friend at my blessingway ceremony as I was preparing to give birth to Joseph. It is a small shell with a hand reaching out of it, grasping it tightly. She didn't know why she was drawn to bringing it to me but she was. At this time it was just a beautiful and strange item. After Joseph was born it all made sense. This is exactly what he did. He reached out into the world, grabbed on tight, touched physical life for just a brief moment, before returning from whence he came leaving behind a sea of Love, grief, shattered stories and a return to the deeper meaning and magic all around us.  To top it all off, the little clay fingers even resembled his long skinny fingers.  

After the initial moments of Joseph's birth, which seemed to span an light filled eternity, the problems multiplied because the paramedics and ER team were having a hard time intubating him.  His lungs were not functioning properly.  In that moment I knew that he too had CF.  We requested the test and sure enough he did.  His lungs were having problems from the moment he was born.  

Little did I know what I was asking for when I stated that I was ok with the pregnancy not coming to fruition if the baby wasn't healthy, but sure enough someone/thing was listening, in a strange, unforeseen, tragic and miraculous way.

The miracle is that had Joseph miscarried early on in the pregnancy, I would have been deeply saddened, but I never would have been so profoundly affected. I'm not sure if I will ever be able to do justice to what happened to me in the moments after Joseph Phoenix entered the world.   I have never in my life been so filled with inexpiable and unconditional Love and Gratitude like I was after Joseph's brief journey into our lives. NEVER.

Now as if that wasn't enough- and there was so much more- here I am, a few months after Joseph's death reading the blog of a women I have never met before that is essentially calling me a selfish baby-killer. After I had taken a couple of hours to grieve and be angry and feel all that came up for me (and after I had gotten over the fact that I wanted to sue her for defamation of character), I started to notice some interesting symbols in her post.  

The opening picture of Dr. Amy's post is the same picture I used to open this post, I (heart) ME, written in the sand.  

I gasped and started to cry.  This time out of joy.  

On Mother's Day, a few months prior to my discovery of Dr. Amy's post, my family and one of my best friends went to the Oregon Coast to celebrate life, remember Joseph and the crazy year it had been so far.  We wrote Joseph's name in the sand as a remembrance and watched as it was washed away by the ocean.  It was cathartic, healing and connective for us all.  It was something tangible that we could do for him.

I realized that yet again, I was getting another message from the universe, I LOVE ME was the message in the photo, but it meant so much more than even that.  

To me this was another expression of what Joseph meant to me, LOVE, in the universal sense. It also felt like a little message of encouragement on my path as I walk towards a fuller expression of myself and my Love in the world.

I think that learning to Love oneself is key to a happy, healthy, love-filled life.

I do love me and I hope that you love you as well. Some days that is all we get.

I know that Joseph Phoenix came into this world out of Love and left it so much greater than it was without him in it. Sometimes all it takes is lending a hand.   


I would like to formally thank Dr. Amy for doing what she did. She gave me a special message of Love in the unlikeliest of places. Even what looks like hatred can really be Love in disguise.  

She also lit a fire under me.  When I was able to calm down and look at her with the eyes of compassion, I realized that the only thing she was guilty of doing was living in an ENTIRELY different version of reality than me.  And in her version of reality, I must look like a pretty self-absorbed, narcissistic, immature baby-killer.  

I also realized that I like my reality.  Here are a few of the salient views in my version:

1. Death is as beautiful a transition as birth if we allow it to be.   
2. There is no such thing as an accident. Everything happens because it is right that it does in a more cosmic way than we may understand. There is perfection in everything.
3. We are so undeniably connected to each other, in fact we are all one.
4. Since we are all one, I like to say we are little walking individuations of God, when we hurt someone we are hurting ourselves and everyone else.  
5. Love is all there is.
6. There is no such thing as right and wrong.
7. The universe (God) is speaking to everyone, all the time, in many ways.
8. Last but not least, we each have a larger role in creating our realities than we realize. Not what happens to you but what you do with it. 

What version of reality are you living in? ​

16 Comments
Jessica
1/20/2012 07:45:11 am

Alicia you are a strong person with a positive attitude. I do not think I would be as forgiving as you.

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Reannan Keene
1/20/2012 08:02:59 am

I do not know what to say other then we are walking a parallel path. When I came across the blog written by Dr. Amy about the stillbirth of my daughter at 41 weeks just a week later, the rage i felt you described perfectly. I could have written this myself with a few minor details changed. Thank you for writing this, just thank you.

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Susie link
1/20/2012 09:51:26 am

Ok, how I missed all of this I do not even know. First and foremost since I did not know. Sorry your journey with your beloved son was so short. I am in awe of your profound strengthen, huge spirit and depth of your forgiveness, compassion and loving understanding....amazing. He is a pure love baby angel...very special indeed..a beautiful gift from God. Thank you for sharing this profound healing.

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Margarita
1/22/2012 11:20:08 pm

I am glad that you were able to turn the negative you discovered into a positive. Dr. Amy also wrote horrible things about me in her blog shortly after my son was born still during a homebirth delivery. She twisted a comment I made into something malicious and hurtful. I saw the blog less than a month after I had to say goodbye to my son. What was even worse was all the mean comments that followed. I am so sorry for your loss and I am glad that you are moving forward, positively healing. Peace and love to you.

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Alicia link
1/23/2012 12:56:19 am

Reannan and Margarita-

I am so sorry that you also had to withstand this women and her small but fanatical following. I hope that you have been both able to find some measure of peace with the loss of your children and have been able to release all the pain the Dr. Amy and Co. has been attempting to put on others.

People like those who take so much pleasure in another's suffering are in a lot of pain themselves. This is why despite the fact that it hurts, I am still able to feel compassion towards them.

When I was attempting to have a "dialogue" with the ladies over there, here is what I noticed:
1. No one that I saw believed in the existence of any sort of higher force in the universe.
2. If you dare to disagree with them, first they hurl the insults.
3. If you persist they write you off and assume that you are insane.

This is the playground bully mentality. I hope someday they move past it, for now, you are welcome here anytime.

Blessings,
Alicia

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C
1/23/2012 09:39:20 pm

Hi Margarita,
I can't defend Dr. Amy by saying she didn't twist your words. I can't recall the exact nature of what she wrote, but I do know about your story and how your midwives were a complete disgrace to the profession. If I remember correctly, most of the comments were not about you but about how poorly you were treated by women who were paid to care for you and your baby - but didn't. I respect what you have to offer to the conversation in regards to licensing midwives, so please, don't forget how important that goal is.

I am so sorry for your loss. I'll never forget what happened to you and your gorgeous baby. Please don't think that we won't stand behind you to help others, and please don't let the comments of a few people stop you.

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Alicia link
1/24/2012 10:08:27 am

C-
I thank you for your respectfulness here. I don't know you nor Margarita at all, but unless you were at Margarita's birth or she told you about it first hand I would like for people to refrain from saying things like, "I know about your story..."

People like to think they know things about what other people are going through, but it is almost always skewed by our own perceptions of a situation.

Thanks,
Alicia

C
1/24/2012 10:48:02 pm

Alicia,

Margarita told her own story. She also discussed it (in her own words) on another birthing blog. Her friends who were present at the birth - and then sent away by the midwives - told of what happened. She posted the photo of her beautiful son.

So no, I wasn't there. But I've heard enough from first-hand sources to know the basics of the situation.

It really stuck with me and I feel just horrible for her. She really was not well cared for and I just want her to know that there are people out there who DO care and want to support her. Not everyone is like Amy or some of the other commenters that frequent that site.

I just wanted to clear that up. Thanks. :)

The Skeptical Mother link
1/23/2012 02:11:03 am

Alicia, Margarita and Reannan,

I want you to know that my blog was created in part, because of the treatment you and others have been subjected to on Amy's blog. I have followed this woman and her rabid fans very closely and there are a few things that everyone should know about them. First of all, if you read my recent blog post about Amy, you will learn A LOT about who she truly is. Sadly, Amy hates women. This fact could not be more glaringly true once you see the way she views all women, not just those who choose homebirth. This is a very sad and lonely person who has such extreme views and thinking, I am inclined to believe she may even be mentally ill. No normal person behaves as she does. No normal person goes after a mother who has just lost a child. It's deeply sick and disturbing.

Her fans are no different. They are full of hate and venom and spend all their days reveling in the pain of others. Many of them have very sad and empty lives. Their blogs show no joy or peace... just anger, hate and more anger.

I want you to know something and do not doubt it for even one moment, you are dealing with an incredibly sad and damaged bunch of people. What other kind of people would Amy attract, accept ones who hurt as much as she does? To give you and example.. One of the people who comments on her blog, went after a homebirth friend of mine. This particular woman attacked my friend with a vengeance- judging and criticizing her every move. Well, it turned out this woman had not one but TWO children who had committed suicide. One of which killed himself WHILE this women was repeated following and taunting my friend for choosing homebirth. This is the kind of thing we are dealing with....

I have so much love for all of you for being attacked by Amy and her fans.. I have been there too- take a look around my blog and you will see you are not alone. I do agree with you, Alicia, we must at least attempt to have compassion because the reality is, Amy and her fans are living in a lot of pain and sadness, every day of their lives...

Love and happiness to the three of you..<3

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Elizabeth
1/25/2012 02:15:12 pm

Margarita, those people were watching and waiting for someone just like you. As soon as you made your announcement on BWF, I shook my head 'cause I knew what was coming, and sadly, I was right. Although you and your new friends understand each other, having gone through similar tragedies, they are ALL friends in the same group which is hurting loss mothers. They all have common networking in that they are in the Dr. Amy group. All of them. They've been featured together on the same loss websites (some run by Amy). They may feel sorry for you in your loss, but they are still connected to the same individuals who said those things to and about you. They are still the same people that told my friend that she didn't love her baby for not blaming her own midwives (who were not at fault for the loss). They said point blank "F YOU!" to her for feeling different about her own situation; point blank you can only love your baby IF you automatically blame midwives. They actually said that! Hard for me to comprehend... the hate...

I want you to have comfort with people who understand you, but from what I have witnessed, they would turn on you at the drop of a dime if you changed your mind about your birth, or birth in general. You aren't allowed to disagree, or be "woo". The only respect is for what they deem "their own"... you can't challenge that. I don't see healing, or truth, or peace in that.

I'm tired of watching loss mothers get targeted for various agendas. It's sick.

But, I bet in their own ways, they all believe they are "helping". How warped is that? Human beings are severely messed up, sometimes.

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daisy
1/23/2012 08:23:32 am

You are a strong woman...and Dr Amy is really unstable and should be stopped. However, she's going to keep on going I guess. Glad you are here to stand up to her. I actually found your blog via hers...I'm using it to research a novel! That's how nuts she is...like an imaginary witch.
strength and love to you from me...
Daisy

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Alicia link
1/23/2012 01:42:47 pm

Daisy-

Thanks for taking the time to come over here and post. Hearing that you are researching her for a novel idea really made me laugh and I found it strangely comforting. It is very helpful to see that many folks, even folks that don't know me personally think that she is cruel and unstable.

Best wishes on the book and let me know when it is coming out. I think I will want to read this one!

Blessings,
Alicia

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PatriciaBarr
1/23/2012 06:13:36 pm

"SOB" is one of the reasons why I don't have my own blog---yet. I have yet to decide if it's worth exposing myself to the kind of vitriol she and her fans spew out onto the internet. I can't believe the cruelty I've seen there, and I can only imagine how you and others must feel to be so publicly attacked.

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MIchelle link
1/31/2012 05:47:25 am

I heard about Alicia's story elsewhere ( private group) but I wanted to respond to you Patricia. If you are not ready to handle public attack please do not put yourself out there. I took me 6 years to tell every detail of my homebirth loss story because I was not emotionally ready to deal with the negativity. ( I got a small taste of it days after his death on other online forums)

Even telling it 6 years after people are cruel, mean-spirited, and extremely insensitive. I say all this to say if you don;t feel ready then don;t do it. Even being strong it is still really hurtful to see some of the things people say or think of you.

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Elizabeth
1/25/2012 02:01:05 pm

I admire your grace under pressure, wickedness, and persecution.

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Lon
7/6/2012 12:05:51 am

Dear Alicia, my TL friend,
I read some of this with dismay, not having thought about the medical science vs medical arts world having become so polarized. But this discussion maybe has taken a turn of its own as blogs are apt to do. "When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help" —- Thich Naht Hanh
Your beautiful discovery is the real story; you and Lincoln having dealt with grief so graciously even trandscending crackpot and unprofessional anti-home birth absolutists.
A sad statistic is that 96% of couples who experience the loss of a child end theri marriages. Perhaps that gives recognition to the monstrous challenge to be able to deal with child grief at all. Yet you are able to show how you have navigated to your personal understanding that there is a greter intelligence at work in the universe than our own. Everyone's story and feelings are their own, as you say, but still I think you are doing a great teaching here. Thank you. Special is your account of how Joseph, in his soul's intelligence made a choice. Our Neal was 5 1/2 when he "checked out", undiagnosed after days in intesnive care and staff at the Children's Hospital in Seattle unable to begin to explain what was taking place. But he was gone long before the hospital staff was willing to accept, or perhaps before they could see that we already knew that his soul took flight and his little body was an empty vessel; heaving with artificial respirator and myriad hardware. But Neal was free and as with all children, never was really Ours. So, we are all sojourners, and I think it is all right to be a Christian, btw, without apology any more than any other persuasion. We are sojourners who make choices to have children on some nebulous level of consciousness and there are some who consider bringing children into this toubled world as a supreme act of selfishness. So, souls wait to alight in the arms of their 'parents', the real parent being God, the Creator of all miracles. So to find ourselves as actors in the cosmic theater, we cannot know how long our tenure is. Not in a definite way, and yet we can hope to have the spritual composure to make ready for our personal day that tomorrow does not come while we grieve for those who preceed our tenure. Still, to be honest, I pray that I do not outlive another of my children. I wanted to go when my father did when eight years old. (Cripes, still around after almost 60 years later.) So too, we can all grieve for you and then by experiencing your great loving heart, know that we honor you best by letting you go.... on your wonderful journey of discovery.
Thanks for your decision to share your feelings, you deserve to be loved. 'Course.

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